while spread too thin, finding solace in the small things.

lisa hannigan. give this girl a minute of your time. her new album is rocking my world right now.

hello there staunch characters - it't been a while.

hope this blog post finds everyone well and settling into their year. i can't believe we're almost into the end of september. as i sit here sipping my coffee, munching on hummus & ciabatta with a little cup of soup, i'm glad that i have finally found some time to hash out my past month at school.

i'm a sophomore this year, and there are no amount of words to describe what my anticipation and excitement was to return for the fall semester this year. i came to terms this summer with the fact that i did not return home for myself, and that although i came back to school refreshed and ready to work, it is time to take my life into my own hands and start living for myself and no one else. that means rooting myself where ever my life takes me and for the time being, that place is Des Moines. all of this being said, returning to school made me realize how my extraverted nature seems to be dwindling. i find great amounts of comfort in being alone with my thoughts and with my work. this may just come with age and maturity, but its not a quality within myself that i'm used to or that i can, as of yet, fully justify. whatever the case, i seem to be getting through. busy. spreading myself to thin. the usual chaos.

now for an update on the actor. let me preface these stories by clarifying that i had set myself (as well as my family) up with the idea that i wouldn't get cast this semester. this is not to say that i didn't feel well prepared this time around (i ATTACKED), but mainly because some little voice in my head kept telling me that no director would think i was right for the shows we had this fall. that feeling allowed me to take the edge off of my typically, nerve-racked audition process and just perform. that feeling in and of itself, after the mayhem of last year, was exhilarating. i got through the whole audition weekend with an unfamiliar ease, that was soothing to know actually existed within me. i continue to tell people that it felt like a different person stepped in and did my audition and callbacks for me. fast-forward to tap class that following week. we all knew that the list had been posted, and there was an excited and nervous tension that existed throughout the entirety of class. disbelief, excitement and being scared shitless are the three out of millions of emotions that i was feeling, that can best describe seeing my name on the list. i will be playing Henrik Egerman in Stephen Sondheim's A Little Night Music. my first lead in a Drake main stage.

my one frustration with myself and with my life back at school would be that i can't seem to sync myself with my schedule. it still seems like i'm just floating through. just kinda free-falling through the weeks. 

i want to give every day a purpose which is completely within my control and ability. i just get lost in my own and everyone else's high expectations. through it all, i attempt to remain grounded and happy, hoping that the medication is working.

xoxoxo

livin on this right now.

simple sells.

^

well, my new glasses have come in and im absolutely in love.

im in an odd place right now, where i'm doing everything that i am supposed to be doing, and yet on a daily basis, i create worries for myself that are unnecessary and stress inducing. i am taking medication, i am working hard and i am allowing myself to get out and do the things that i want to do and yet, i still continue to create problems for myself. i am convinced now, that this is due to the plethora of time and thought i have had to myself this summer. i stated previously, that i am slowly becoming more introverted...but this is getting a little ridiculous. i was talking to a friend about this matter last night, on the way back from the casino. i told her that the thing that really gets me about all of this is that i am hindering myself from truly enjoying experiences because of my ability to overthink and overanalyze, which led me to conclude that i think that no person has or ever will have a mind quite as complex and ri-goddamn-diculous as mine. when there are things to worry about, i chew on it till theres no flavor left and when theres nothing to worry about, i create problems.

shit.

but really, things are great. i have been making money and will have enough to make it through another semester debt free...i hope and get to take a vacation to Walker next week and see my mama. so excited. and this is coming at a VERY necessary time.

missing the rush of a show. i have really realized this summer through a lot of introspect that i only feel really at home when on stage. cliche, i know. but really true for me.

hopefully linnea and i will get shooting soon. i've been accentuating the simple wardrobe lately and am excited to get behind the camera and do some experimenting. also, get to shoot a wedding for the first time in a year...very excited.

i leave you to day with a quote i found today that just bowled me over. my sentiments exactly about people and how they get to where they are through every kind of life experience.

ciao kids. xo

new glasses.

banana republic.

i died.

hahah, truth be told...while i was browsing through the catalogue my eyes wondered to the likes of the Dior, Marc Jacobs, Gucci persuasion...but when the frames cost more than these glasses ended up costing all together, i decided to go for the same look in a more attainable brand. banana is good. and their really fucking cute.

home is my betty ford at the moment...

i've found some strange enjoyment lately in piecing new outfits together from my vast closet. i'm in the midst of altering my style a bit and have been finding that simple is really fun right now. i'm done trying really hard, hahah.

story of my life. hahah in the literal and subtext of this statement.

well hey there kids. i can't guarantee that this will be as long as i've been promising, but my tired person will purge out as much as possible from these very busy and tiring past couple of weeks.

well, school ended well. i survived my freshman year and though the ending was emotional in about every sense of the word, i was ready to go home and process all the things that i had taken away from this year. i have big plans for the summer and will enter next year rejuvenated, prepared and ready for a new myriad of experiences. i am back to working at the grocery store and am happy to say that i have found a strange peace and solitude in a job that i used to take much less seriously. i attach that statement also to my living in montgomery. for a boy who was prepared to be on his own, live away in a busier place and just completely break free, i have found some joy in looking up and seeing stars, walking on the paths behind my house and sleeping in my own bed. montgomery isn't looking so bad right now. i think its me making some sort of peace with my past, as well as making my real last summer at home, a memorable one and one with no resentments.

i will also be taking this summer to try to figure myself out a little bit. i discovered at school this year, that for a person who thought they knew so much about themselves, i didn't know jack shit. i didn't know much about a lot of things. and while im proud of the growth thus far into my existence, i have a lot to learn and process. the skeletons that have been sitting in my closet and the vast amount of personal baggage i keep attached to myself is really ready to be released. its affecting my relationships, my work, and ultimately, my life as a whole. i know that this is something that won't happen over night, and will take a long time to completely disapate, if it ever will, but i'm ready to open that door.

i've felt so inspired lately, with the time to be home and do things: read, work, drive, listen, talk, live

and once the looming exhaustion goes away, i think i'll be ready to take on the world again. home is its own therapy and i think will help me to regain touch with pieces of myself that feel lost right now.

the one thing i feel is resonating more than anything in this moment, is a new motto that i have acquired into my day to day existence:

jamais se compromettre

it means 'never compromise yourself' in french, my favorite language. i lately find immense idolization and respect for individuals who live their life being completely themselves and nothing less. in a world where its the fad to follow and emmulate, i would love to become one who never compromises, always making choices and living life on my own terms. what more could you want.

found some refuge in my talk with linnea this week. we decided we'll be the modern day edie and andy, minus the drug addiction. can't wait to be back and shooting with her.

i'm so close to the end i can taste it. still feeling that big blog post welling up, but its not time yet.

soon. i promise...(a little night music, you are about to consume my brain)

cried for the first time in months today. prepare for the mother of all blog posts soon.

in the chaos of finals week. will be putting up means of inspiration via quote or photo as much as possible.

much love and luck to everyone encountering finals right now. we're almost out kids, i can see the light and am ready for home. time to work. rest. rejuvenate. you get the idea.

i'm printing this out and putting it somewhere i can see it every day.

it think this is something we could all stand to remember.

ps. boo or woo to the new layout? these new blogger fonts are fun...

i'll have what he's wearing...

hello my name is kyle. and i've become a stumbler

france. symbolism. sunsets. what more could you want.

pretty shoes.

i wanna do this on a roof in paris one day...

she's quickly becoming one of my favorite actresses.

me and mama love us some annette.

im typically one to fill up a post with ramblings but this seemed so much more descriptive of the inner-confines of my brain as of late. stumbleupon...i think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

you'll have a novel soon, kids. i just don't want it to feel like a chore to write. it'll come out one of these days. i've got lots of stories.

holy shit.

check out this new you tube sensation.

she's phenomenal.

seriously, can't even get over it...

can't get enough:

groups i could just eat right now. what beauties...

this is SO my life. i have a stack about as tall as me of old VOGUES.

...very carrie bradshaw

watched west side story last night. she is a vision and so mysterious.

that final monologue at the close of the movie gets me every time.

don't you wish sometimes that your mornings were as glamorous as hers? greeting guests in your bra with a cigarette. disheveled hair and needing some nutrients...

i know i do. more later, kids.

peace out, doubt.

[she is my life's soundtrack lately. no mood she can't lift or stabilize.]

as of late, i find myself constantly plagued with self imposed doubt in about every facet of my life. and it is only through self analysis, with myself and the people that are closest to me, that i slowly come to terms with what a fucking psychotic person i am.

seriously.

it takes moments and moods like that, to put me in a place where something grandiose and wonderful, like having a Q&A session with Twyla Tharp, snaps me back into focus. this is a woman who has revolutionized dance and musical theater, and yet remains to be one of the most grounded, down to earth and self assured people, i have ever had the pleasure of listening to for an hour. it was so surreal. her passion was absolutely evident in every word that she uttered. and to get to live and breathe what you love every single day of your life was something that she said, 'shouldn't be settled for anything less than'.

although it may take me some time to reconnect with sometimes, that is what i'm doing here. it is an honor and a privilege to get the opportunity to study and go down the path that you want in life. and its a path that not as many people as you think are able to go down. people will often do what they think is practical or what would be acceptable instead of thinking of what they really want. how fortunate, then, are we. the people who know exactly what we want to do with our life and get to pursue it, in some form, every day.

its so interesting how stress and overwork, can blind you to the point of questioning what you have loved longer than anything else. the time is now. time to attack. time to live. time to experiment, experience and fail. its all part of the process. don't let yourself forget. your love is the one thing that keeps you hanging on, even if its only by a thread.

what would audrey do?

[i think its funny how a face can change over time. do these two boys look different?]

i currently find myself in an immense phase of self reflection and as a result of that i have become very self destructive. and frankly, you can see it on me these days: bags under my eyes, the fluctuating weight from my irregular diet pattern, lack of care and consideration in my day to day outfit or general presentation choices. i look back to the time where i took an hour to get ready and futz with my hair, and begin to question whether i like my new phase of comfort and convenience. mind you, i have to consider that in your youth you are filled with much more of a drive, because you know how to conquer the day of a middle or high school routine. college brings on a completely new way of handling life in general, because you typically don't know what each day will bring, even with a schedule. time is also a much more prevalent factor in your life when you are younger. you don't have the work load you do when you're thrown into the adult world.

i bring all of this up, only because i have really began to notice my self destructiveness and how it tends to turn people away. i don't think that this habit was ever something i cultivated for attention or because i wanted to, but rather because i have struggled with my self image from a very young age. it was never something i knew how to get over. and the thing that really upsets me, is that in a time where i will be thinking that i look really unattractive (or what have you, whatever psychotic emotion pattern i have that day/week/month/etc.) i will later look back and be like, "oh, what was i smoking? i looked fine.." this implies to me that something is wrong..

the root of this all may be that im going through a little period of the 'mean reds', which is loneliness and unexplained fear. i don't think this is the first time, because this seems all too familiar...and it can be fleeting, because it doesn't happen everyday.

i may need to start my mornings with that age old addage, "what would audrey do?"

she conquers the mean reds through class, eccentricity, beauty, charm, wit, humor and smarts. and ends up getting her guy in the end.

i think we may be on to something, kids. its time for a new leaf. i'm tired of this.

my guardian.

"We cast away priceless time in dreams, born of imagination, fed upon illusion, and put to death by reality."

-Judy Garland

returned to the land of the living

i always find edie to be a comfort. she channels the exact extravagant lifestyle that i lead my day to day life with...and she does it with style, charm and grace. so beautiful. the eclectic blogger goes full circle as he posts yet another photo of edie. unhealthily obsessed.

"i think its good to get outside of your experiences. i can't stand people who take themselves too seriously." -edie sedgwick

as i re-enter the world of theatrics and academia, i believe myself as i tell my colleagues that i feel like a different person. as prior blog posts will share and anyone who saw me through the progression of the first portion of second semester, it is not far fetched that i felt like i was drowning in this world that i have placed myself into. going home, sleeping, eating and just living proved to be the missing puzzle piece in my life.

i just LIVED this break: slept, ate, shopped, sang, drank, loved, laughed, cried, worried, cleansed, analyzed. and ultimately made myself regain contact with myself and the world, drove, observed. i chopped my hair off. i saw people. i saw theater. it was fantastic.

i return with a regained work ethic and a new found zest for life, that existed prior and i spent many depressive weeks searching for. the stress, of course, will return in the chaos that has become my collegiate life, but i will remind myself of how to channel the energy and apply myself.

i found a song called "If Love Were All" over break. it is a heartbreakingly beautiful song by Noel Coward. he was an openly gay man in the height of his career (20s-30s) and i find this song to be so poignant and something that i will sing throughout the rest of my career. it was a sort of 'love at first hear' revelation. waltzed into my monday lesson with andrew and slapped that song down. "i have it almost memorized," I said. "i want to sing it for you and add it to my repertoire (also..he's now taken to calling me 'dear', which i find completely adorable). he told me that he loved that song, and we proceeded to gush about the song and the new bounds we're making in lessons. needless to say, its in my rep now....but we need to find me 'some upbeat songs, dear'.

anyway, on that note...i look bad and see my bipolar eclectic-ness in its full force, as none of what i have just written strings together. not even a little bit.

just spoke for the first time in my 9:30 for like weeks. see what i'm telling you kiddos. this is growth.

life is beautiful. take each day as it comes. and embrace each day. no more time to be depressed. get out and absorb that vitamin d.

the looking glass so shiny and new, how quickly the glamour fades.

oh my god.

as we approach spring break, a point of rest is completely necessary for me. in the first half of this semester, i have taken on 18 credit hours, harbored a caffiene addiction, gone through extreme self-imposed emotional hell, rehearsed/immensely enjoyed/learned through/opened and closed Anton Chekov's The Cherry Orchard, and gone through a self and musical rediscovery. today i am intrigued by the thought of breakthroughs. i had one yesterday. and to be on the other side of one, is absolutely incredible.

i went into this week feeling the weight of The Cherry Orchard lifted. although it was an immense chapter of my life and i have learned more through that than i can ever articulate through words, i leave it ready for rest. grateful for the experience, but physically exhausted. and ready to focus on my other needs for the semester. anyway, monday holds stress for me because i always exert to much pressure onto my voice lessons. they are always ten times scarier in my head than they ever are in real life. so i go in there, have a chit chat with andrew about how i am slowly loosing my mind, and eventually launch into my french Rufus Wainwright piece. holy shit. we found my back space. i don't remember the last night i could hit notes like that. although in the midst of hellish mid-terms, it was a mood-booster to say the least.

having another musical revelation, which in my life happens on a weekly basis (if not daily) so is not new information. florence and the machiene. i love me a girl who can belt the shit out of a song and write some beautiful music. give her a listen. i won't need to say anymore.

i want:

to dye my hair (i had a momentary thought of red, florence inspired. not gonna happen)

to chop my hair off

to sleep

to laugh

to be really happy again

to be skinny (emphasis on this one)

and lie there shattered into fragments...

through the grey of the clouds this morning, im am feeling a smidgen of inspiration. as one door in my life is closing another is opening. isn't this picture absolutely beautiful? i am in love with anything that has a hint of vintage film grain to it. and while doing some research on 40s-50s Dior for a hat that i'm designing for a project in Advanced Costume Tech, i stumbled upon this picture. i thought the colors, contrasts, outfits, really everything about it were somewhat breathtaking.

we opened The Cherry Orchard last night, and it felt so good to finally reveal something that the whole cast is so proud of. i feel a force bursting from me, that i have never felt before. i think that can only come from having the opportunity to be involved in something that was emotional and life changing for everyone who had the privilege to work on it. to know that we made his last Drake show something memorable and to be proud of, is all that i can ask for as an actor. and even into performance weekend, i remained humbled by the opportunity to work with him and the entire cast.

classwork as of late is either really revolutionary (PLEASE forgive the brazen use of this word, i don't know whats come over me) or ultimately stressful and more than i can currently handle. i realize that i'm in the overload right now. but this is the only way to learn and, really, the fog is beginning to clear. i'm feeling as though i will really be able to grasp everything again. and one of the best things...im starting to think that i can do this. and believe it (oh my god)

as this will be an emotional end to a fun chapter of freshman year, i have more exciting things to look forward to. really immersing myself into Into The Woods, taking more initiative in my classes and having more time to fully access my assignments and scene work (something that can really only come from having more hours in the day available, looking for work, waiting for word back on summer employment (trying to not keep the hopes to high, mind you). i finally caved into myself and have admitted to the fact that there is a noticable shift in my behavior from last semester to this semester. while i believe a good chunk of it is normal, i question some of it and notice similarities in it to a more imbalanced place in my life (years ago). long story short, i decided to go to counseling. i had my first meeting the other day, and it felt good to hash it out and 'humanize' this deeply hidden (or attempted to be) characteristic of myself. i hope we get down to the bottom of it. i miss feeling a bit more normal and ultimately happy.

although this semester is so different, in so many facets (both extremely positive and negative, in both extremes) i don't regret a second of anything. and won't look back. its time to live. embrace mistakes, take everything in and push harder than i ever have before.

because as the cliche statement goes, 'we only do this once.'

martha. martha. martha.

what a voice. what a personality. what a beauty. i'm making my way through the wainwright brood.

class acts at 9am, wishing the money flowed like water...

this is one of my favorite pictures of Judy. she was always one where the full gravity of emotion could be captured on her in a photograph. that simple elegance of jeans or leggings and a button up has inspired me to want to add some cute button ups to my life again. for the longest time they were the image of my middle-school, fat preppy-ness. but now i feel like the right one (not plaid...at all, or flannel) could be a cute addition to my wardrobe.

some faux retail therapy/wish list on Urban.com this morning:

just looked cute.

simple stuff like this sells to me more now. maybe i'm maturing or growing up. but i think it's classy.

closest thing i could find to the "Judy" look.

i've been looking for a blazer..a CHEAP blazer.

i want to be thin, right now. is that bad? maybe i just feel like shit because i threw on a sweatshirt and woke up at 9. THANK GOD for coffee.

i felt as though my day got better when the cup was placed into my hand.