what would audrey do?

[i think its funny how a face can change over time. do these two boys look different?]

i currently find myself in an immense phase of self reflection and as a result of that i have become very self destructive. and frankly, you can see it on me these days: bags under my eyes, the fluctuating weight from my irregular diet pattern, lack of care and consideration in my day to day outfit or general presentation choices. i look back to the time where i took an hour to get ready and futz with my hair, and begin to question whether i like my new phase of comfort and convenience. mind you, i have to consider that in your youth you are filled with much more of a drive, because you know how to conquer the day of a middle or high school routine. college brings on a completely new way of handling life in general, because you typically don't know what each day will bring, even with a schedule. time is also a much more prevalent factor in your life when you are younger. you don't have the work load you do when you're thrown into the adult world.

i bring all of this up, only because i have really began to notice my self destructiveness and how it tends to turn people away. i don't think that this habit was ever something i cultivated for attention or because i wanted to, but rather because i have struggled with my self image from a very young age. it was never something i knew how to get over. and the thing that really upsets me, is that in a time where i will be thinking that i look really unattractive (or what have you, whatever psychotic emotion pattern i have that day/week/month/etc.) i will later look back and be like, "oh, what was i smoking? i looked fine.." this implies to me that something is wrong..

the root of this all may be that im going through a little period of the 'mean reds', which is loneliness and unexplained fear. i don't think this is the first time, because this seems all too familiar...and it can be fleeting, because it doesn't happen everyday.

i may need to start my mornings with that age old addage, "what would audrey do?"

she conquers the mean reds through class, eccentricity, beauty, charm, wit, humor and smarts. and ends up getting her guy in the end.

i think we may be on to something, kids. its time for a new leaf. i'm tired of this.