class acts at 9am, wishing the money flowed like water...

this is one of my favorite pictures of Judy. she was always one where the full gravity of emotion could be captured on her in a photograph. that simple elegance of jeans or leggings and a button up has inspired me to want to add some cute button ups to my life again. for the longest time they were the image of my middle-school, fat preppy-ness. but now i feel like the right one (not plaid...at all, or flannel) could be a cute addition to my wardrobe.

some faux retail therapy/wish list on Urban.com this morning:

just looked cute.

simple stuff like this sells to me more now. maybe i'm maturing or growing up. but i think it's classy.

closest thing i could find to the "Judy" look.

i've been looking for a blazer..a CHEAP blazer.

i want to be thin, right now. is that bad? maybe i just feel like shit because i threw on a sweatshirt and woke up at 9. THANK GOD for coffee.

i felt as though my day got better when the cup was placed into my hand.

i think it may have hit me...

sometimes i wish that i had been born in the 1960s. ohh, the glamour.

i think i realized today how much i want to be an actor. i'm always talking about how much i have to prove to everyone: my parents, everyone and anyone who ever told me i was going to go somewhere, my colleagues, you get the point. the other day i had a few revelations which i feel really clicked this morning in my first day of Acting II: you have nothing to prove to anyone but yourself. stop holding yourself as a comparison and don't over analyze everything. thats it. as an unperfected art form, acting holds those basic rules, and the rest will vary by instructor, institution, class, director, whatever. and i feel that all you really have to do is listen to a person to know how passionate they are about it. you can hear when someone is making claims for the wrong reasons.

i have returned to drake and sit here in my seat at Starbucks feeling the way i did when i first started visiting: excited with a bit of nervousness (which for me is normal...i'm working on it). after a lot of time reflect over break, i somewhere in the inner-sanctions of my mind found my work ethic. truth be told...i knew it was in there somewhere. in the glamour, excitement and general "newness" of my first semester at school, i lost sight of why i was here. skipping memorization, settling for half ass work, all while somehow maintaining a 3.5 GPA (i don't even know how i did it to be honest). i also needed to learn that there is no one way to be perfect at this. you can only learn this, unfortunately, through falling on your face (...maybe literally). of course, meaning that the only way to really learn how to do something is through trial and error and even when you think your at the top of your game, you've got so much more to learn. all of this being said, i have made a pact with myself that i will exert forward as much effort as possible, so when i say that i tried my best...i'll really mean it. i feel that a lot of us (or maybe just me) have lied when saying that over the years. there is so much to be inspired by here, and i eat it up everyday. so much fucking talent, that it makes you sick sometimes. i think the best thing that we can all take away from being here, is that people enter into each others lives to benefit and teach each other. not in the direct or literal meaning of those words, but in the sense that we all bring different experiences to the table, and we can all benefit from learning about them.

another crucial factor i learned through my multitudes of highs and lows last semester, was that time to be emotional is crucial...as well as truly taking time for yourself. i am a person who flourishes off of the energy of others...lately, i find myself easily irritated and needing more personal space. as much as i think that this is growth, i also recognize that it is my insides crying out for some personal time to do the things i so often throw to the wayside for others. some examples: truly analyzing how i feel about things, dealing with MY OWN life, allowing myself to feel a moment, read, write (...this was a long awaited post), complete assignments, i think you get the idea.

more than anything i am excited to continue to grow and really DO what i say i will. so often i feel myself only half heartedly believing when i say that i pushed really hard. i want to leave this semester knowing that i gave everything i did, all that i have in my being. it will be beneficial and i feel that it is crucial to my growth as a performer.

sidebar: loving the FRYES. wearing them sparingly, as not to lose the new shoe love affair. i have decided that i feel like carrie bradshaw...starving for my shoes, scraping whatever money i have to get by ;)

the pact, that i mentioned earlier, is multi-fold:

-yoga, monday wednesdays

-blog, at least once a week

-laugh more

-cry more

-rely more on honesty

-truly take time for myself, regardless of whats going on

-more exclusive "party" life, mainly to conserve funds

-continue to loose weight, by whatever means that don't include starving myself

-drink black coffee (with cream & sugar...attempting to wean....loosing the mocha is a big step)

had my first pike place roast at Starbucks today, with cream and Sugar-In-The-Raw. i feel like a grown up. (ha)

much love kids.

living on mars.

[dont worry kiddos. my edie obsession remains alive and well. i thought this was one of those priceless photographs that you happen to stumble upon from time to time...what do you think?]

well...

its been a while, staunch characters. i figured for my rapidly changing life, a new un-tainted blog would suffice. its just like a diary. new pages of my life to write about. a clean slate.

its been a beautifully stressful past couple of months and i have been learning more than i will ever be able to type. i left for my current home in the Moines (Des Moines) in August. i am astounded that i sit here writing on November 19th and that three months have gone by. it seems like just yesterday my friends and i arrived to dance in the ballroom of our hall, worry about what a movement piece was, and freak about whether or not we would even get called back for the musical. its been a whirlwind, to say the least. people have come in and out of my life, i have gained and lost friends. ultimately now, i'm in a phase of taking in and accessing what i've done, both prior to this and now, and attempting to move forward and progress as much as possible.

Drake has been so nurturing. i daily stand behind my decision to come here. i have met some immensely talented artists and learn something new everyday. its a misconception that Des Moines holds nothing but corn, because its a haven for trendy, talented young people...and although i do find myself longing for my familiar Twin Cities, i so embrace being in this new place and being able to learn its ins and outs. that being said, i have my irritations with my new haven. i have quite often found myself questioning why my expensive school has found itself in the middle of the suburban Des Moines ghetto and is resistant to do anything about the unsafe goings ons. i hear sirens on the daily, we have lost 3 students since arriving to school...and no students should have to feel unsafe walking at night. all this being said, these are minor irritations for a school that i spend most of my life praising.

a few key stories from my blog negligent (sorry linnea) months:

about a month back, my friends and i had the opportunity to see our professors work at a local theater in Des Moines, which by the way is a MAJORLY underrated theater city. anyway, i had been feeling down and needed a little reminder of why im doing what i am with my life. the show was The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee...and to give you a little background: i did not follow this show when it opened originally (going through my whole..."i'll embrace shows on my own time and own terms" kick) and knew nothing about it. i went in knowing that the characters were children at a spelling bee, and told my friends (and professor) that i honestly wasn't expecting to be moved by this show. i left the theater that night having rediscovered my calling and feeling the way that you are supposed to feel after seeing a phenomenal piece of theater. i just floated home. the acting was spot on, the jokes had been updated to our current political/socio-economic situations (in addition to a good gay joke, which i DO enjoy from time to time), and the story was just so touching. i found myself connecting with each of the characters and made sure after i had left, that i made sure everyone went to see it and that my professors knew what phenomenal work they had done.

i have quite often found myself, since arrive here, feeling down and questioning my ability to do theater (as well as questioning myself). for a person who has always been very secure in himself and his known abilities....this period of, frankly, grey area...has been really confusing and emotional. i have done a lot of soul searching, talking, listening, drinking (coffee, mainly), buying....and have ultimately come to the conclusion (through multiple conversations and thoughts) that i need to adapt to being the "big fish in the ocean, not the small pond". i can't expect to be perfect in an environment where i don't know exactly how to do whats "perfect". and in acting there is never a "perfect". my work ethic has been very freshman year...and i know now how to ATTACK, which i wish i would not have been so hesitant to do at the opening of the semester.

i re-found yoga in my life, now that my schedule allows. i missed it. maybe it will help me shed some of those freshman pounds. its beginning to help me find my center as an actor (...and a human being) again. i need that now more than ever. isn't it great how the world works that way...having things aptly enter at just the right moment.

ps > i like live at the mars cafe. its a trendy little place in the non-sketch part of the neighborhood where Drake is in the Moines. i sit tonight listening to some very talented Drake students do a set, as i blog and sip my coffee. its always been a little dream of mine to have a set at a coffee shop...and as my friend, the talented Ms. Emily Draffen said to me in a time of disarray: "the world has a way of making things work out for you. if you work hard enough, it will happen."

words to live by, kids. especially right now.