"i am big. its the pictures that got small."

after reliving my love of Elaine Paige this weekend by watching a documentary about her, i stumbled across the fact that she was one of the lucky actresses able to portray the famous, well quoted former-Hollywood starlet Norma Desmond in Sunset Boulevard. as i typically do when i find something to be interesting, i began researching the Andrew Lloyd Webber stage show and found that the original movie was made in the 1950's and starred the famous silent-screen actress Gloria Swanson. this movie was everything i like to see in an older film: the grandeur of black and white, fabulous costumes, a chillingly well written story, a recluse, and GOOD LINES. these are things that are all lost on most modern film makers, and it makes it difficult for me to latch on to new movies...because so rarely do they make films like this anymore. if you haven't seen Sunset Boulevard, you should. its a perfect expose of both old and new Hollywood. its also where the famous line, "I'm ready for my close up, Mr. De Mille." stems from. what a line.

i had another revolutionary morning in my acting and voice classes. in Clive's class we read a poem that discussed New York in the spring time. we learned that this form of poetry is known as "a stream of consciousness" and it was so easy to read aloud. it made me feel like i was emerged into the hustle and bustle of New York. i've only been once, but its so easy to place yourself there. and with this poets mastery in imagery and fluidity, it felt as if his thoughts were your own. then we began to discover the works of Michael Chekov in acting. i used my character from the Cherry Orchard and made both physical and personal discoveries i had yet to touch on in the rehearsal process. i felt as though i stepped outside of myself many times today. its so exciting to make these discoveries and be able to use them in the work your doing...which is the premise of why they're there in the first place i suppose.

i find myself in a mood this afternoon. unexplainable, yet fleeting. the days when i feel i'm in full understanding are wonderful. i don't like these self conscious days plagued with self doubt. i'd love to shove it under the bed. (i need to cry. you know when you can feel it coming?)

i find myself thinking most days, whether working or just being myself...that if i just got out of my head that it would be the key to my happiness. its fascinating how one of the worlds most extraverted individuals, is slowly becoming an introvert...

and the big one, kyle. remind yourself everyday: you will never be perfect in an imperfect art-form (or an imperfect world for that matter). just strive to be what you can be, and do the best you can at that. whatever that means.

i love a man with words...

The yellow walls are lined with portraits
And I've got my new red fetching leather jacket
All these poses such beautiful poses
Makes any boy feel like picking up roses

There's never been such grave a matter
As comparing our new brand name black sunglasses < love that line.
All these poses such beautiful poses
Makes any boy feel as pretty as princes < :)

The green autumnal parks conducting
All the city streets a wondrous chorus singing
All these poses oh how can you blame me
Life is a game and true love is a trophy

And you said
Watch my head about it
Baby you said watch my head about it
My head about it
Oh no oh no oh no
Oh no oh no no kidding

Reclined amongst these packs of reasons
For to smokes the days away into the evenings
All these poses of classical torture
Ruined my mind like a snake in the orchard
I did go from wanting to be someone now
I'm drunk and wearing flip - flops on Fifth Avenue < oh my god.

Once you've fallen from classical virtue
Won't have a soul for to wake up and hold you

In the green autumnal parks conducting
All the city streets a wondrous chorus
Singing all these poses now no longer boyish
Made me a man ah but who cares what that it

And you said watch my head about it
Baby you said watch my head about it
My head about it
Oh no oh no oh no
Oh no oh no well you said
Watch my head about it
Baby you said watch my head about it
My head about it
Oh no oh no oh no
Oh no oh no no kidding

i think it may have hit me...

sometimes i wish that i had been born in the 1960s. ohh, the glamour.

i think i realized today how much i want to be an actor. i'm always talking about how much i have to prove to everyone: my parents, everyone and anyone who ever told me i was going to go somewhere, my colleagues, you get the point. the other day i had a few revelations which i feel really clicked this morning in my first day of Acting II: you have nothing to prove to anyone but yourself. stop holding yourself as a comparison and don't over analyze everything. thats it. as an unperfected art form, acting holds those basic rules, and the rest will vary by instructor, institution, class, director, whatever. and i feel that all you really have to do is listen to a person to know how passionate they are about it. you can hear when someone is making claims for the wrong reasons.

i have returned to drake and sit here in my seat at Starbucks feeling the way i did when i first started visiting: excited with a bit of nervousness (which for me is normal...i'm working on it). after a lot of time reflect over break, i somewhere in the inner-sanctions of my mind found my work ethic. truth be told...i knew it was in there somewhere. in the glamour, excitement and general "newness" of my first semester at school, i lost sight of why i was here. skipping memorization, settling for half ass work, all while somehow maintaining a 3.5 GPA (i don't even know how i did it to be honest). i also needed to learn that there is no one way to be perfect at this. you can only learn this, unfortunately, through falling on your face (...maybe literally). of course, meaning that the only way to really learn how to do something is through trial and error and even when you think your at the top of your game, you've got so much more to learn. all of this being said, i have made a pact with myself that i will exert forward as much effort as possible, so when i say that i tried my best...i'll really mean it. i feel that a lot of us (or maybe just me) have lied when saying that over the years. there is so much to be inspired by here, and i eat it up everyday. so much fucking talent, that it makes you sick sometimes. i think the best thing that we can all take away from being here, is that people enter into each others lives to benefit and teach each other. not in the direct or literal meaning of those words, but in the sense that we all bring different experiences to the table, and we can all benefit from learning about them.

another crucial factor i learned through my multitudes of highs and lows last semester, was that time to be emotional is crucial...as well as truly taking time for yourself. i am a person who flourishes off of the energy of others...lately, i find myself easily irritated and needing more personal space. as much as i think that this is growth, i also recognize that it is my insides crying out for some personal time to do the things i so often throw to the wayside for others. some examples: truly analyzing how i feel about things, dealing with MY OWN life, allowing myself to feel a moment, read, write (...this was a long awaited post), complete assignments, i think you get the idea.

more than anything i am excited to continue to grow and really DO what i say i will. so often i feel myself only half heartedly believing when i say that i pushed really hard. i want to leave this semester knowing that i gave everything i did, all that i have in my being. it will be beneficial and i feel that it is crucial to my growth as a performer.

sidebar: loving the FRYES. wearing them sparingly, as not to lose the new shoe love affair. i have decided that i feel like carrie bradshaw...starving for my shoes, scraping whatever money i have to get by ;)

the pact, that i mentioned earlier, is multi-fold:

-yoga, monday wednesdays

-blog, at least once a week

-laugh more

-cry more

-rely more on honesty

-truly take time for myself, regardless of whats going on

-more exclusive "party" life, mainly to conserve funds

-continue to loose weight, by whatever means that don't include starving myself

-drink black coffee (with cream & sugar...attempting to wean....loosing the mocha is a big step)

had my first pike place roast at Starbucks today, with cream and Sugar-In-The-Raw. i feel like a grown up. (ha)

much love kids.