i feel a blog coming on...

before you read. i apologize in advance for the bi-polar nature of this post. i got really excited and it went in uncontrollable directions...

when i was young, i walked into an antique store and had one of those moments in life, where something you desire or that would call out to you as a person, "walks" into your life. i was staying in Walker, MN with my aunt (one of my favorite childhood, and even to this day, vacation spots) and we would always go into town for a day, while staying up there, to look for a souvenir to commemorate that trip. i had a love for records as a child, seeing as i grew up prancing around the living room to the music of record players, so naturally after perusing the store...i walked to the record bin. the Judy Garland record 'Alone' (a very rare, and beautifully honest record of hers) fell into my hands and i suddenly felt it hard to breathe. my 'young self' paid $10 for this rare record, and left disbelieving as well as unbelievably excited. since discovering theater, she has been a 'guardian angel' of sorts to me. i connected to her from such a young age (seriously, a 10-12 year old boy shouldn't be able to comprehend, much less PURCHASE, her biography) and whenever i find myself beginning to falter or lose inspiration, from whatever it may be...i turn to her. today i watched her American Masters documentary and suddenly found the energy, excitement and inspiration needed in every facet of my career at the moment (ie. the two shows i'm rehearsing for, my first mass audition this weekend). i will walk into MidWest this weekend feeling fierce and fabulous, wearing my mothers 'borrowed' Tiffany ring for good luck and hoping that my 'guardian angel' will be guiding me along.

any judy garland fan, excuse my annoying pun of a title i used...but i feel the unbelievable desire to share my surging emotions at this moment and time. as i sit here at mars, sipping my coffee i look back on my weeks and months since arriving and wonder, "where the hell have you been, kyle?" since i was young, i have had an unprecedented desire to please, make good and ultimately do what makes me happy, which is being onstage. i feel that though my growth is noticeable to me, i have not been pushing and desiring in the way that i know i am capable of. the only way that will let me achieve what i want in my life. i have little surges of seeing what i could be if i work very hard, every once in a while. i had one of those days and i feel as though i can't stop smiling. its inspiring. it makes me want to work. it makes me want to impress. but mainly, it makes me want to be happy. i haven't been happy for a long time. and the only person responsible for that is me. its something we performers need to remind ourselves from time to time. we are in control of what we can do and what we are capable of doing. its our job to show and sell that.

have you ever had one of those days when karma seems to be working in your favor?

-yoga tonight

-$15 worth of Valentines money and cards from your grandma's (hence a Mars treat)

-inspiration

-green lights all the way to mars cafe

-dressed in black...feeling slender like Audrey

-excitement to show your capabilities to a multitude of companies at an audition you were lucky to get

wonderful wednesday. OH! and there was a chocolate croissant at mars :] that hardly ever happens any more.

my inspirational and talented friend Maura Gillespie says that in a book about finding your way to happiness, it says to treat yourself (a little) everyday. i try to remind myself of that. thanks for the coffee, grandmas.

so happy i'm back :]

i think it may have hit me...

sometimes i wish that i had been born in the 1960s. ohh, the glamour.

i think i realized today how much i want to be an actor. i'm always talking about how much i have to prove to everyone: my parents, everyone and anyone who ever told me i was going to go somewhere, my colleagues, you get the point. the other day i had a few revelations which i feel really clicked this morning in my first day of Acting II: you have nothing to prove to anyone but yourself. stop holding yourself as a comparison and don't over analyze everything. thats it. as an unperfected art form, acting holds those basic rules, and the rest will vary by instructor, institution, class, director, whatever. and i feel that all you really have to do is listen to a person to know how passionate they are about it. you can hear when someone is making claims for the wrong reasons.

i have returned to drake and sit here in my seat at Starbucks feeling the way i did when i first started visiting: excited with a bit of nervousness (which for me is normal...i'm working on it). after a lot of time reflect over break, i somewhere in the inner-sanctions of my mind found my work ethic. truth be told...i knew it was in there somewhere. in the glamour, excitement and general "newness" of my first semester at school, i lost sight of why i was here. skipping memorization, settling for half ass work, all while somehow maintaining a 3.5 GPA (i don't even know how i did it to be honest). i also needed to learn that there is no one way to be perfect at this. you can only learn this, unfortunately, through falling on your face (...maybe literally). of course, meaning that the only way to really learn how to do something is through trial and error and even when you think your at the top of your game, you've got so much more to learn. all of this being said, i have made a pact with myself that i will exert forward as much effort as possible, so when i say that i tried my best...i'll really mean it. i feel that a lot of us (or maybe just me) have lied when saying that over the years. there is so much to be inspired by here, and i eat it up everyday. so much fucking talent, that it makes you sick sometimes. i think the best thing that we can all take away from being here, is that people enter into each others lives to benefit and teach each other. not in the direct or literal meaning of those words, but in the sense that we all bring different experiences to the table, and we can all benefit from learning about them.

another crucial factor i learned through my multitudes of highs and lows last semester, was that time to be emotional is crucial...as well as truly taking time for yourself. i am a person who flourishes off of the energy of others...lately, i find myself easily irritated and needing more personal space. as much as i think that this is growth, i also recognize that it is my insides crying out for some personal time to do the things i so often throw to the wayside for others. some examples: truly analyzing how i feel about things, dealing with MY OWN life, allowing myself to feel a moment, read, write (...this was a long awaited post), complete assignments, i think you get the idea.

more than anything i am excited to continue to grow and really DO what i say i will. so often i feel myself only half heartedly believing when i say that i pushed really hard. i want to leave this semester knowing that i gave everything i did, all that i have in my being. it will be beneficial and i feel that it is crucial to my growth as a performer.

sidebar: loving the FRYES. wearing them sparingly, as not to lose the new shoe love affair. i have decided that i feel like carrie bradshaw...starving for my shoes, scraping whatever money i have to get by ;)

the pact, that i mentioned earlier, is multi-fold:

-yoga, monday wednesdays

-blog, at least once a week

-laugh more

-cry more

-rely more on honesty

-truly take time for myself, regardless of whats going on

-more exclusive "party" life, mainly to conserve funds

-continue to loose weight, by whatever means that don't include starving myself

-drink black coffee (with cream & sugar...attempting to wean....loosing the mocha is a big step)

had my first pike place roast at Starbucks today, with cream and Sugar-In-The-Raw. i feel like a grown up. (ha)

much love kids.