what would audrey do?

[i think its funny how a face can change over time. do these two boys look different?]

i currently find myself in an immense phase of self reflection and as a result of that i have become very self destructive. and frankly, you can see it on me these days: bags under my eyes, the fluctuating weight from my irregular diet pattern, lack of care and consideration in my day to day outfit or general presentation choices. i look back to the time where i took an hour to get ready and futz with my hair, and begin to question whether i like my new phase of comfort and convenience. mind you, i have to consider that in your youth you are filled with much more of a drive, because you know how to conquer the day of a middle or high school routine. college brings on a completely new way of handling life in general, because you typically don't know what each day will bring, even with a schedule. time is also a much more prevalent factor in your life when you are younger. you don't have the work load you do when you're thrown into the adult world.

i bring all of this up, only because i have really began to notice my self destructiveness and how it tends to turn people away. i don't think that this habit was ever something i cultivated for attention or because i wanted to, but rather because i have struggled with my self image from a very young age. it was never something i knew how to get over. and the thing that really upsets me, is that in a time where i will be thinking that i look really unattractive (or what have you, whatever psychotic emotion pattern i have that day/week/month/etc.) i will later look back and be like, "oh, what was i smoking? i looked fine.." this implies to me that something is wrong..

the root of this all may be that im going through a little period of the 'mean reds', which is loneliness and unexplained fear. i don't think this is the first time, because this seems all too familiar...and it can be fleeting, because it doesn't happen everyday.

i may need to start my mornings with that age old addage, "what would audrey do?"

she conquers the mean reds through class, eccentricity, beauty, charm, wit, humor and smarts. and ends up getting her guy in the end.

i think we may be on to something, kids. its time for a new leaf. i'm tired of this.

my guardian.

"We cast away priceless time in dreams, born of imagination, fed upon illusion, and put to death by reality."

-Judy Garland

returned to the land of the living

i always find edie to be a comfort. she channels the exact extravagant lifestyle that i lead my day to day life with...and she does it with style, charm and grace. so beautiful. the eclectic blogger goes full circle as he posts yet another photo of edie. unhealthily obsessed.

"i think its good to get outside of your experiences. i can't stand people who take themselves too seriously." -edie sedgwick

as i re-enter the world of theatrics and academia, i believe myself as i tell my colleagues that i feel like a different person. as prior blog posts will share and anyone who saw me through the progression of the first portion of second semester, it is not far fetched that i felt like i was drowning in this world that i have placed myself into. going home, sleeping, eating and just living proved to be the missing puzzle piece in my life.

i just LIVED this break: slept, ate, shopped, sang, drank, loved, laughed, cried, worried, cleansed, analyzed. and ultimately made myself regain contact with myself and the world, drove, observed. i chopped my hair off. i saw people. i saw theater. it was fantastic.

i return with a regained work ethic and a new found zest for life, that existed prior and i spent many depressive weeks searching for. the stress, of course, will return in the chaos that has become my collegiate life, but i will remind myself of how to channel the energy and apply myself.

i found a song called "If Love Were All" over break. it is a heartbreakingly beautiful song by Noel Coward. he was an openly gay man in the height of his career (20s-30s) and i find this song to be so poignant and something that i will sing throughout the rest of my career. it was a sort of 'love at first hear' revelation. waltzed into my monday lesson with andrew and slapped that song down. "i have it almost memorized," I said. "i want to sing it for you and add it to my repertoire (also..he's now taken to calling me 'dear', which i find completely adorable). he told me that he loved that song, and we proceeded to gush about the song and the new bounds we're making in lessons. needless to say, its in my rep now....but we need to find me 'some upbeat songs, dear'.

anyway, on that note...i look bad and see my bipolar eclectic-ness in its full force, as none of what i have just written strings together. not even a little bit.

just spoke for the first time in my 9:30 for like weeks. see what i'm telling you kiddos. this is growth.

life is beautiful. take each day as it comes. and embrace each day. no more time to be depressed. get out and absorb that vitamin d.

the looking glass so shiny and new, how quickly the glamour fades.

oh my god.

as we approach spring break, a point of rest is completely necessary for me. in the first half of this semester, i have taken on 18 credit hours, harbored a caffiene addiction, gone through extreme self-imposed emotional hell, rehearsed/immensely enjoyed/learned through/opened and closed Anton Chekov's The Cherry Orchard, and gone through a self and musical rediscovery. today i am intrigued by the thought of breakthroughs. i had one yesterday. and to be on the other side of one, is absolutely incredible.

i went into this week feeling the weight of The Cherry Orchard lifted. although it was an immense chapter of my life and i have learned more through that than i can ever articulate through words, i leave it ready for rest. grateful for the experience, but physically exhausted. and ready to focus on my other needs for the semester. anyway, monday holds stress for me because i always exert to much pressure onto my voice lessons. they are always ten times scarier in my head than they ever are in real life. so i go in there, have a chit chat with andrew about how i am slowly loosing my mind, and eventually launch into my french Rufus Wainwright piece. holy shit. we found my back space. i don't remember the last night i could hit notes like that. although in the midst of hellish mid-terms, it was a mood-booster to say the least.

having another musical revelation, which in my life happens on a weekly basis (if not daily) so is not new information. florence and the machiene. i love me a girl who can belt the shit out of a song and write some beautiful music. give her a listen. i won't need to say anymore.

i want:

to dye my hair (i had a momentary thought of red, florence inspired. not gonna happen)

to chop my hair off

to sleep

to laugh

to be really happy again

to be skinny (emphasis on this one)

and lie there shattered into fragments...

through the grey of the clouds this morning, im am feeling a smidgen of inspiration. as one door in my life is closing another is opening. isn't this picture absolutely beautiful? i am in love with anything that has a hint of vintage film grain to it. and while doing some research on 40s-50s Dior for a hat that i'm designing for a project in Advanced Costume Tech, i stumbled upon this picture. i thought the colors, contrasts, outfits, really everything about it were somewhat breathtaking.

we opened The Cherry Orchard last night, and it felt so good to finally reveal something that the whole cast is so proud of. i feel a force bursting from me, that i have never felt before. i think that can only come from having the opportunity to be involved in something that was emotional and life changing for everyone who had the privilege to work on it. to know that we made his last Drake show something memorable and to be proud of, is all that i can ask for as an actor. and even into performance weekend, i remained humbled by the opportunity to work with him and the entire cast.

classwork as of late is either really revolutionary (PLEASE forgive the brazen use of this word, i don't know whats come over me) or ultimately stressful and more than i can currently handle. i realize that i'm in the overload right now. but this is the only way to learn and, really, the fog is beginning to clear. i'm feeling as though i will really be able to grasp everything again. and one of the best things...im starting to think that i can do this. and believe it (oh my god)

as this will be an emotional end to a fun chapter of freshman year, i have more exciting things to look forward to. really immersing myself into Into The Woods, taking more initiative in my classes and having more time to fully access my assignments and scene work (something that can really only come from having more hours in the day available, looking for work, waiting for word back on summer employment (trying to not keep the hopes to high, mind you). i finally caved into myself and have admitted to the fact that there is a noticable shift in my behavior from last semester to this semester. while i believe a good chunk of it is normal, i question some of it and notice similarities in it to a more imbalanced place in my life (years ago). long story short, i decided to go to counseling. i had my first meeting the other day, and it felt good to hash it out and 'humanize' this deeply hidden (or attempted to be) characteristic of myself. i hope we get down to the bottom of it. i miss feeling a bit more normal and ultimately happy.

although this semester is so different, in so many facets (both extremely positive and negative, in both extremes) i don't regret a second of anything. and won't look back. its time to live. embrace mistakes, take everything in and push harder than i ever have before.

because as the cliche statement goes, 'we only do this once.'