"i am big. its the pictures that got small."

after reliving my love of Elaine Paige this weekend by watching a documentary about her, i stumbled across the fact that she was one of the lucky actresses able to portray the famous, well quoted former-Hollywood starlet Norma Desmond in Sunset Boulevard. as i typically do when i find something to be interesting, i began researching the Andrew Lloyd Webber stage show and found that the original movie was made in the 1950's and starred the famous silent-screen actress Gloria Swanson. this movie was everything i like to see in an older film: the grandeur of black and white, fabulous costumes, a chillingly well written story, a recluse, and GOOD LINES. these are things that are all lost on most modern film makers, and it makes it difficult for me to latch on to new movies...because so rarely do they make films like this anymore. if you haven't seen Sunset Boulevard, you should. its a perfect expose of both old and new Hollywood. its also where the famous line, "I'm ready for my close up, Mr. De Mille." stems from. what a line.

i had another revolutionary morning in my acting and voice classes. in Clive's class we read a poem that discussed New York in the spring time. we learned that this form of poetry is known as "a stream of consciousness" and it was so easy to read aloud. it made me feel like i was emerged into the hustle and bustle of New York. i've only been once, but its so easy to place yourself there. and with this poets mastery in imagery and fluidity, it felt as if his thoughts were your own. then we began to discover the works of Michael Chekov in acting. i used my character from the Cherry Orchard and made both physical and personal discoveries i had yet to touch on in the rehearsal process. i felt as though i stepped outside of myself many times today. its so exciting to make these discoveries and be able to use them in the work your doing...which is the premise of why they're there in the first place i suppose.

i find myself in a mood this afternoon. unexplainable, yet fleeting. the days when i feel i'm in full understanding are wonderful. i don't like these self conscious days plagued with self doubt. i'd love to shove it under the bed. (i need to cry. you know when you can feel it coming?)

i find myself thinking most days, whether working or just being myself...that if i just got out of my head that it would be the key to my happiness. its fascinating how one of the worlds most extraverted individuals, is slowly becoming an introvert...

and the big one, kyle. remind yourself everyday: you will never be perfect in an imperfect art-form (or an imperfect world for that matter). just strive to be what you can be, and do the best you can at that. whatever that means.