martha. martha. martha.

what a voice. what a personality. what a beauty. i'm making my way through the wainwright brood.

class acts at 9am, wishing the money flowed like water...

this is one of my favorite pictures of Judy. she was always one where the full gravity of emotion could be captured on her in a photograph. that simple elegance of jeans or leggings and a button up has inspired me to want to add some cute button ups to my life again. for the longest time they were the image of my middle-school, fat preppy-ness. but now i feel like the right one (not plaid...at all, or flannel) could be a cute addition to my wardrobe.

some faux retail therapy/wish list on Urban.com this morning:

just looked cute.

simple stuff like this sells to me more now. maybe i'm maturing or growing up. but i think it's classy.

closest thing i could find to the "Judy" look.

i've been looking for a blazer..a CHEAP blazer.

i want to be thin, right now. is that bad? maybe i just feel like shit because i threw on a sweatshirt and woke up at 9. THANK GOD for coffee.

i felt as though my day got better when the cup was placed into my hand.

"i am big. its the pictures that got small."

after reliving my love of Elaine Paige this weekend by watching a documentary about her, i stumbled across the fact that she was one of the lucky actresses able to portray the famous, well quoted former-Hollywood starlet Norma Desmond in Sunset Boulevard. as i typically do when i find something to be interesting, i began researching the Andrew Lloyd Webber stage show and found that the original movie was made in the 1950's and starred the famous silent-screen actress Gloria Swanson. this movie was everything i like to see in an older film: the grandeur of black and white, fabulous costumes, a chillingly well written story, a recluse, and GOOD LINES. these are things that are all lost on most modern film makers, and it makes it difficult for me to latch on to new movies...because so rarely do they make films like this anymore. if you haven't seen Sunset Boulevard, you should. its a perfect expose of both old and new Hollywood. its also where the famous line, "I'm ready for my close up, Mr. De Mille." stems from. what a line.

i had another revolutionary morning in my acting and voice classes. in Clive's class we read a poem that discussed New York in the spring time. we learned that this form of poetry is known as "a stream of consciousness" and it was so easy to read aloud. it made me feel like i was emerged into the hustle and bustle of New York. i've only been once, but its so easy to place yourself there. and with this poets mastery in imagery and fluidity, it felt as if his thoughts were your own. then we began to discover the works of Michael Chekov in acting. i used my character from the Cherry Orchard and made both physical and personal discoveries i had yet to touch on in the rehearsal process. i felt as though i stepped outside of myself many times today. its so exciting to make these discoveries and be able to use them in the work your doing...which is the premise of why they're there in the first place i suppose.

i find myself in a mood this afternoon. unexplainable, yet fleeting. the days when i feel i'm in full understanding are wonderful. i don't like these self conscious days plagued with self doubt. i'd love to shove it under the bed. (i need to cry. you know when you can feel it coming?)

i find myself thinking most days, whether working or just being myself...that if i just got out of my head that it would be the key to my happiness. its fascinating how one of the worlds most extraverted individuals, is slowly becoming an introvert...

and the big one, kyle. remind yourself everyday: you will never be perfect in an imperfect art-form (or an imperfect world for that matter). just strive to be what you can be, and do the best you can at that. whatever that means.

i'm crossing you in style one day. dream-maker. heart-breaker.

on the way to FAC for class this morning, i had a discussion with a fellow music and literature classmate. we discussed how class is a very important thing in ones life. there is a certain timelessness that is encompassed in having class.

i, honestly, instantly go to this one...

who else knew so instinctively what class was? simple and elegant. heres another...

i find both of these two to be unbelievably inspiring. to create an empire, image and icon status only through being ones self is quite remarkable. this takes me back to looking through old images of my grandmothers, who channeled the styles of both of these women. big sunglasses, a strand of pearls, form-fitting skirts or button-up dresses. it was a time when simplicity was all that was necessary. my mother comes from a generation much later, but still maintains the old-fashioned values of her own mother. third generation, though a bit more extravagant...in regards to my life and fashion sense, i find myself (as of late) trying this on for size as well. simple sells. it applies in my career, life choices, fashion selections, anything. something to think about.

and in an era where over-zealous ambitions, egos and business moves have thrown us into a recession...simple is looking pretty good right now. all across the board. we could learn some things from the past...

i feel a blog coming on...

before you read. i apologize in advance for the bi-polar nature of this post. i got really excited and it went in uncontrollable directions...

when i was young, i walked into an antique store and had one of those moments in life, where something you desire or that would call out to you as a person, "walks" into your life. i was staying in Walker, MN with my aunt (one of my favorite childhood, and even to this day, vacation spots) and we would always go into town for a day, while staying up there, to look for a souvenir to commemorate that trip. i had a love for records as a child, seeing as i grew up prancing around the living room to the music of record players, so naturally after perusing the store...i walked to the record bin. the Judy Garland record 'Alone' (a very rare, and beautifully honest record of hers) fell into my hands and i suddenly felt it hard to breathe. my 'young self' paid $10 for this rare record, and left disbelieving as well as unbelievably excited. since discovering theater, she has been a 'guardian angel' of sorts to me. i connected to her from such a young age (seriously, a 10-12 year old boy shouldn't be able to comprehend, much less PURCHASE, her biography) and whenever i find myself beginning to falter or lose inspiration, from whatever it may be...i turn to her. today i watched her American Masters documentary and suddenly found the energy, excitement and inspiration needed in every facet of my career at the moment (ie. the two shows i'm rehearsing for, my first mass audition this weekend). i will walk into MidWest this weekend feeling fierce and fabulous, wearing my mothers 'borrowed' Tiffany ring for good luck and hoping that my 'guardian angel' will be guiding me along.

any judy garland fan, excuse my annoying pun of a title i used...but i feel the unbelievable desire to share my surging emotions at this moment and time. as i sit here at mars, sipping my coffee i look back on my weeks and months since arriving and wonder, "where the hell have you been, kyle?" since i was young, i have had an unprecedented desire to please, make good and ultimately do what makes me happy, which is being onstage. i feel that though my growth is noticeable to me, i have not been pushing and desiring in the way that i know i am capable of. the only way that will let me achieve what i want in my life. i have little surges of seeing what i could be if i work very hard, every once in a while. i had one of those days and i feel as though i can't stop smiling. its inspiring. it makes me want to work. it makes me want to impress. but mainly, it makes me want to be happy. i haven't been happy for a long time. and the only person responsible for that is me. its something we performers need to remind ourselves from time to time. we are in control of what we can do and what we are capable of doing. its our job to show and sell that.

have you ever had one of those days when karma seems to be working in your favor?

-yoga tonight

-$15 worth of Valentines money and cards from your grandma's (hence a Mars treat)

-inspiration

-green lights all the way to mars cafe

-dressed in black...feeling slender like Audrey

-excitement to show your capabilities to a multitude of companies at an audition you were lucky to get

wonderful wednesday. OH! and there was a chocolate croissant at mars :] that hardly ever happens any more.

my inspirational and talented friend Maura Gillespie says that in a book about finding your way to happiness, it says to treat yourself (a little) everyday. i try to remind myself of that. thanks for the coffee, grandmas.

so happy i'm back :]

oh my god, i want to be her...

i have found the new center of my life. she is fucking fantastic.

i was walking to yoga yesterday, had just had a bite to eat and "I Am The One" from the Next to Normal soundtrack came up on my iPod. while listening to the heavy and high energy beats of the each song in Next to Normal it is easy to fall in love with it, but to me it is the text that is truly gripping. as i walked and listened to Diane scream "You don't know!" to her husband, i almost began to cry. although her life bears much more burden than mine, i shared in her pain of misunderstanding and confusion, and i found myself connecting with a show in a way that i haven't in a long time.

besides emotionally evoking, i find Alice Ripley and my new little obsession with Next to Normal, inspiring more than anything. its so easy in this world to feel small and like you'll never get anywhere. but when i find a new show or see a stroke of genius in a performer, i become inspired and my drive to do well is thrown into motion. in this week where i'm finding it difficult to stay focused and my nerves are overtaking for the first mass audition of my life, i'm hoping and thinking that my drive will kick in as a result of this new inspiration in my life.

i am the only one holding myself back from doing well. if i allow myself to be ready and attack, i will. its in my nature. i know i'm capable of doing well...its just whether or not i allow myself.

alice, you're an inspiration. thank you. i needed it right now.

let me paint a picture for you:

- 3 quart bottle of water

-making my way through my edible care package

-in on a friday night

...and just wanting it to be Saturday night already.

pathetic much? i think so.

some early morning [post-depressive] thoughts.

[an addictive personality in full force. who does that sound like?]

while early morning classes may leave me tired from my days that seem to go in a cycle of never ending motion, they never cease to somehow inspire me. this morning we were listening to a required piece of music for one of my courses and i just sat to think about how much that i need to show gratitude for. i have spent so much of my life recently, wallowing in the "mean reds" and "black and white" moods that are so easy to allow myself to sink into. with the sun out, the snow melting...my coffee and music soaked days help me to reground myself in this life that seems to want to throw me to the wayside. i find it extremely interesting that only when you come to terms with yourself (which is no easy task as well) can you really and truly connect with and understand other people. it took me a long time to figure this out. meaning it was a "this year"/"once i got to college" sort of revelation. no one person has the most problems. and i spent the better part of my life separating myself from people because i thought that they could never understand. it is actually the exact opposite, and its so black and white once you come to that point. problems are what tie us all together. otherwise, what [REALLY] would we have to talk about? i have also pondered lately how curious it is that we, and we being the youth of America, spend the greater part of our childhood challenging what our parents present to us...only to eventually come to terms with it ourselves. i realize that this is human nature, but it does make me feel guilty for the countless arguments, i had with my mother only to suffice my need for pity and unattractive teenage angst. she ultimately was just looking out for me.

parents try there best to make their children everything they couldn't be. they also stand helpless, watching their children go down paths that they've gone down themselves, helpless to stop them..because children won't listen. think about it. we don't. we're resentful and ultimately wonder why we didn't listen while we could have.

"children will only grow, from something you love...to something you lose."

- Stephen Sondheim

i love a man with words...

The yellow walls are lined with portraits
And I've got my new red fetching leather jacket
All these poses such beautiful poses
Makes any boy feel like picking up roses

There's never been such grave a matter
As comparing our new brand name black sunglasses < love that line.
All these poses such beautiful poses
Makes any boy feel as pretty as princes < :)

The green autumnal parks conducting
All the city streets a wondrous chorus singing
All these poses oh how can you blame me
Life is a game and true love is a trophy

And you said
Watch my head about it
Baby you said watch my head about it
My head about it
Oh no oh no oh no
Oh no oh no no kidding

Reclined amongst these packs of reasons
For to smokes the days away into the evenings
All these poses of classical torture
Ruined my mind like a snake in the orchard
I did go from wanting to be someone now
I'm drunk and wearing flip - flops on Fifth Avenue < oh my god.

Once you've fallen from classical virtue
Won't have a soul for to wake up and hold you

In the green autumnal parks conducting
All the city streets a wondrous chorus
Singing all these poses now no longer boyish
Made me a man ah but who cares what that it

And you said watch my head about it
Baby you said watch my head about it
My head about it
Oh no oh no oh no
Oh no oh no well you said
Watch my head about it
Baby you said watch my head about it
My head about it
Oh no oh no oh no
Oh no oh no no kidding

do kids know art anymore?

how is it that the general population of the world today, will look at this and see nothing? will tie it to nothing. will credit it to no one. watch as our country drops art from our children's lives and a day will come (fast approaching) when they won't even know what to say or think when faced with this.

who can even tell me who painted this (shh, art majors...linnea)?

this is the infinite of art. look at it and see what you want to see. the only thing you are required to do is look and take it in. every time you look at it you see something else. cigarette in mouth, vodka in hand, dripping paint over a raw canvas (in my mind, while listening to opera or some trendy music of the 60's). i am reminded of my multiple trips to art museums throughout my life, as i ponder on this. and i thank god for having parents, and a family for that matter, that made sure art was an active part of my life (...says the theater major). i was also the child who went to my art and music teachers, and broke their hearts by saying, "Can't we have music and art everyday?". to that, they could give no response. because we live in a society where this is becoming vastly unimportant, unless you choose to take an interest in it. i stood in front of the real "Sunday in The Park with George" in Chicago. that takes merit to many, but also sounds like gibberish to most. maybe thats why i live my life in an art form. to make sure i keep that fire going.

i personally can't imagine a world without art. i would die.

if music and literature does anything for my dead, coffee soaked brain at 9:30am...it inspires and allows me to re-light former flames in my life.

jackson, its been awhile. thanks for the remind.

aspire/admire/listen and watch in awe...

i absolutely love people who don't settle, and spend the entirety of their life using every facet of their abilities. these two women are two such figures who i greatly admire and look up to.

lily allen: is a british singer/songwriter who's brutally honest lyrics depict life that we all assimilate with but would never write a song about. she goes there. she designs clothes. she defends politics. she's fantastic. its truly beautiful, legitimately talented people like this who are honestly out to spread the good word, that make we wonder why people like Taylor Swift are famous...

charlotte gainsbourg: singer/songwriter/film star/french/model/need i say more? her music is very alternative and she's had the honor of working with amazing talent in both European and American circuit (most recently Beck on her latest album). i found her not only frequently modeling in VOGUE with her sister, but also starring in one of my favorite autobiographical films I'm Not There (the many "lives" of Bob Dylan). she played the girlfriend and eventual wife of Heath Ledger, who was portraying the high fame era's of Bob Dylan's life. (sidebar: see that film...Heath Ledger, Cate Blanchet, Richard Gere, the list goes on...its fantastic, as is the soundtrack)

love you ladies.

sometimes i wish i was bernadette peters...

why can't we all attack sondheim with the grace and ease of bernadette?

I WISH...

(hahah, clever pun kyle.)

ps. seasonal depression go away. i am REALLY not enjoying your presence in my life.

i love/want to be sia

you know when you look at someone and instantly assume you know their voice?

and then they start to sing, and your like "shit was i wrong..."

OR

when you look at a person thinking their voice will be teeny and then this enormous/fabulous/edgy sound comes out?

[i may be getting a bit specific...]

this woman is fantastic. effortless belts, poignant lyricist, and one of the most loving/carefree personalities i've ever seen in an artist. look her up. i found her merely by the curiousity of one of her album covers. i wasn't sorry for purchasing that record and bringing her into my life..

i need to give VOGUE a call..

first...what does this girl think shes doing on the cover of the fashion bible??

second...i have a bone to pick with the US Postal Service. I subscribed to VOGUE and had it sent to the dorms at school and have yet to receive one issue.

third...drake blows (today anyway...). 359 schools closed in Des Moines, the interstate is shut down and DRAKE UNIVERSITY remains open, with a two-hour late start. that didn't stop me from taking a self proclaimed snow day, mind you...but it did succeed in making me feel like i was in high school again.

sometimes the most revolutionary prospects, are what take the most emotional toll...

revelations.

they are the center of my life at the moment. i find myself making small breakthroughs each day which is so extraordinary. to finally see some glimmer of all of the things i admire in others, in myself is so unknown and new to me. this all started last week in the beginnings of our laban work in movement class. to clarify, i went into the class feeling like i already knew how to do this (somewhat), after working on it with Karla last semester in Movement I. to see how wrong i was, and the new discoveries that i'm making while rediscovering these energies is fantastic. the two most profound discoveries that i'm choosing to share are from the heavy energies. these come easiest to me, because in life i tend to be a heavier person. we did the slash energy, and my body immersed itself into complete physical involvement. i wrote down on my notebook afterwards, 'HOLY SHIT', because it almost felt as if i had dreamt it. i was in a sweat, my heart was pounding and it was absolutely wonderful. while in it, i remember seeing a variety of colors and feeling like i was trapped inside of my own body. completely removing myself from the emotions of others, i felt very afraid and removed and as if there was no escape from what i was feeling. today felt much less emotionally involved but had some of the same similarities, those feelings of intense emotions, sighting of colors, etc.

as i discussed in an earlier post, i left first semester ultimately disappointed by the work ethic i put forward. i feel like with my new found revelations, in addition to the ground breaking work i find my classmates and myself doing with our new professors, i will be a completely different performer. i continue to believe that any new work and growth will be for me and no one else. anyone noticing it will just be coincidental. but regardless, i'm so thrilled to find myself making steps forward. hopefully i'll reach that point where i stop psychoanalyzing things to the n-th degree soon, but lets not get ahead of ourselves...

i told my friend emily draffen at coffee tonight that her song in 'bare' is the only one i can stomach to listen to anymore. i feel myself really identifying with nadia these days...except on the opposite end of the spectrum, longing for time alone with my thoughts and personal reflection. crowds are becoming to much for me to handle at times...but on the note of emily, we had some fabulous conversations, per usual, and i just know that she is going to continue to be such a mentor to me, as she is now. i see such wonderful things for her...and know one day we will be sipping tea in our lofts or a cute little obscure coffee shop.

what a lovely thought...

i'm craving some reality.

SO sick of the petty. makes me want to throw up.

tom petty

petticoat petty

peppermint petty.

"here's the rub..."

was looking something like this in my 9:30 this morning .

comfy: got dressed in about 5 minutes [oh hey big american apparel sweatshirt and yoga pants i slept in last night]

glasses: my eyesight is becoming beyond reproach. i'm turning into my parents.

baffled/confused/angry/sad: no snow day. damn you iowa weather advisory. misleading.

have you ever felt like you may die, sitting upright in a class?

[soooooo not ready for this day...]