melting.

[i found these this morning. they're ringing true to the life revelations i had after waking up this morning.]

hello bittys. its been a while.

i find myself in a place as of late, where i am at one of the most fortunate places in my life, with both the people who are in it and the opportunities i have been blessed with, and i find myself at a loss for self worth. when i should be feeling at the top of my game and feeling more confident than ever, i feel extremely small and petty. as "humbling" as this feels, i sit here this morning up early before my class, ready to turn over a new leaf. people and experiences will no longer be the determination of who i am and what i'm capable of. i functioned for so long without needing to feel gratified, and honestly must just be in a funk. in either case, after today...this will be a step forward for me. no one will see me doing anything but smiling and feeling fortunate for the plethora of wonderful things occuring in my life at the moment.

to catch you up, im back at school. i had, what i have claimed to be, the most therapeutic break i think that i have ever endured in my whole life. i traveled to San Antonio to visit my mother, and just vegged for almost two weeks. after the mental breakdown i had at the end of last semester, from complete and utter sensory overload, this was necessary. i slept, ate, walked in a national park every day. it was immaculate. after this rest, my dad took my family to San Diego, where i ate all the seafood i think i will ever eat in my life time, saw beautiful things and drank lots of wine. i then returned home for the last two weeks of break and prepared myself to return to school for the amazing semester that is now under way. 

on the roster for this semester is, a much less intense schedule (academically, anyway) and the most diverse collection of shows that i have ever been cast in. i get to play Moritz Steifel in Spring Awakening, which is the role of a lifetime, at least thus far for me. this show is such a sounding board for my generation and i feel so blessed to get to be a part of the truly talented group of people that get to tell this story. its a true testament to growing up in confined, conservative society, in a world not much different from the world we're living in now. Moritz is emotionally erratic, impulsive, spazzy, confined, and beautifully broken. we share many life experiences and he will be a great challenge. i'm also cast in two student directed shows this semester. one is a movement piece, driven by the dissonance existing between cultures and countries in the world today. it is beautiful and has such a poigniant message that i cant wait to share with everyone. the other is a show about being in love in a small town much like the one that i grew up in. i am getting to work with directors that i have been waiting anxiously to work with, as well as a really wonderful group of performers.

as i sit here, i feel my stress melting away. the sun is pouring into my window at Starbucks, the snow is melting away and with it will go all of my self created problems. isn't that usually the case, darlings? i believe it was Sylvia Plath who said we all desire the things that will destroy us in life. a life lead that way, comes with the compromise of the highest highs and the lowest lows. life would be insanely boring without that divide.

merci, mi amours.

while spread too thin, finding solace in the small things.

lisa hannigan. give this girl a minute of your time. her new album is rocking my world right now.

hello there staunch characters - it't been a while.

hope this blog post finds everyone well and settling into their year. i can't believe we're almost into the end of september. as i sit here sipping my coffee, munching on hummus & ciabatta with a little cup of soup, i'm glad that i have finally found some time to hash out my past month at school.

i'm a sophomore this year, and there are no amount of words to describe what my anticipation and excitement was to return for the fall semester this year. i came to terms this summer with the fact that i did not return home for myself, and that although i came back to school refreshed and ready to work, it is time to take my life into my own hands and start living for myself and no one else. that means rooting myself where ever my life takes me and for the time being, that place is Des Moines. all of this being said, returning to school made me realize how my extraverted nature seems to be dwindling. i find great amounts of comfort in being alone with my thoughts and with my work. this may just come with age and maturity, but its not a quality within myself that i'm used to or that i can, as of yet, fully justify. whatever the case, i seem to be getting through. busy. spreading myself to thin. the usual chaos.

now for an update on the actor. let me preface these stories by clarifying that i had set myself (as well as my family) up with the idea that i wouldn't get cast this semester. this is not to say that i didn't feel well prepared this time around (i ATTACKED), but mainly because some little voice in my head kept telling me that no director would think i was right for the shows we had this fall. that feeling allowed me to take the edge off of my typically, nerve-racked audition process and just perform. that feeling in and of itself, after the mayhem of last year, was exhilarating. i got through the whole audition weekend with an unfamiliar ease, that was soothing to know actually existed within me. i continue to tell people that it felt like a different person stepped in and did my audition and callbacks for me. fast-forward to tap class that following week. we all knew that the list had been posted, and there was an excited and nervous tension that existed throughout the entirety of class. disbelief, excitement and being scared shitless are the three out of millions of emotions that i was feeling, that can best describe seeing my name on the list. i will be playing Henrik Egerman in Stephen Sondheim's A Little Night Music. my first lead in a Drake main stage.

my one frustration with myself and with my life back at school would be that i can't seem to sync myself with my schedule. it still seems like i'm just floating through. just kinda free-falling through the weeks. 

i want to give every day a purpose which is completely within my control and ability. i just get lost in my own and everyone else's high expectations. through it all, i attempt to remain grounded and happy, hoping that the medication is working.

xoxoxo

livin on this right now.

simple sells.

^

well, my new glasses have come in and im absolutely in love.

im in an odd place right now, where i'm doing everything that i am supposed to be doing, and yet on a daily basis, i create worries for myself that are unnecessary and stress inducing. i am taking medication, i am working hard and i am allowing myself to get out and do the things that i want to do and yet, i still continue to create problems for myself. i am convinced now, that this is due to the plethora of time and thought i have had to myself this summer. i stated previously, that i am slowly becoming more introverted...but this is getting a little ridiculous. i was talking to a friend about this matter last night, on the way back from the casino. i told her that the thing that really gets me about all of this is that i am hindering myself from truly enjoying experiences because of my ability to overthink and overanalyze, which led me to conclude that i think that no person has or ever will have a mind quite as complex and ri-goddamn-diculous as mine. when there are things to worry about, i chew on it till theres no flavor left and when theres nothing to worry about, i create problems.

shit.

but really, things are great. i have been making money and will have enough to make it through another semester debt free...i hope and get to take a vacation to Walker next week and see my mama. so excited. and this is coming at a VERY necessary time.

missing the rush of a show. i have really realized this summer through a lot of introspect that i only feel really at home when on stage. cliche, i know. but really true for me.

hopefully linnea and i will get shooting soon. i've been accentuating the simple wardrobe lately and am excited to get behind the camera and do some experimenting. also, get to shoot a wedding for the first time in a year...very excited.

i leave you to day with a quote i found today that just bowled me over. my sentiments exactly about people and how they get to where they are through every kind of life experience.

ciao kids. xo

new glasses.

banana republic.

i died.

hahah, truth be told...while i was browsing through the catalogue my eyes wondered to the likes of the Dior, Marc Jacobs, Gucci persuasion...but when the frames cost more than these glasses ended up costing all together, i decided to go for the same look in a more attainable brand. banana is good. and their really fucking cute.

home is my betty ford at the moment...

i've found some strange enjoyment lately in piecing new outfits together from my vast closet. i'm in the midst of altering my style a bit and have been finding that simple is really fun right now. i'm done trying really hard, hahah.

story of my life. hahah in the literal and subtext of this statement.

well hey there kids. i can't guarantee that this will be as long as i've been promising, but my tired person will purge out as much as possible from these very busy and tiring past couple of weeks.

well, school ended well. i survived my freshman year and though the ending was emotional in about every sense of the word, i was ready to go home and process all the things that i had taken away from this year. i have big plans for the summer and will enter next year rejuvenated, prepared and ready for a new myriad of experiences. i am back to working at the grocery store and am happy to say that i have found a strange peace and solitude in a job that i used to take much less seriously. i attach that statement also to my living in montgomery. for a boy who was prepared to be on his own, live away in a busier place and just completely break free, i have found some joy in looking up and seeing stars, walking on the paths behind my house and sleeping in my own bed. montgomery isn't looking so bad right now. i think its me making some sort of peace with my past, as well as making my real last summer at home, a memorable one and one with no resentments.

i will also be taking this summer to try to figure myself out a little bit. i discovered at school this year, that for a person who thought they knew so much about themselves, i didn't know jack shit. i didn't know much about a lot of things. and while im proud of the growth thus far into my existence, i have a lot to learn and process. the skeletons that have been sitting in my closet and the vast amount of personal baggage i keep attached to myself is really ready to be released. its affecting my relationships, my work, and ultimately, my life as a whole. i know that this is something that won't happen over night, and will take a long time to completely disapate, if it ever will, but i'm ready to open that door.

i've felt so inspired lately, with the time to be home and do things: read, work, drive, listen, talk, live

and once the looming exhaustion goes away, i think i'll be ready to take on the world again. home is its own therapy and i think will help me to regain touch with pieces of myself that feel lost right now.

the one thing i feel is resonating more than anything in this moment, is a new motto that i have acquired into my day to day existence:

jamais se compromettre

it means 'never compromise yourself' in french, my favorite language. i lately find immense idolization and respect for individuals who live their life being completely themselves and nothing less. in a world where its the fad to follow and emmulate, i would love to become one who never compromises, always making choices and living life on my own terms. what more could you want.

found some refuge in my talk with linnea this week. we decided we'll be the modern day edie and andy, minus the drug addiction. can't wait to be back and shooting with her.

i'm so close to the end i can taste it. still feeling that big blog post welling up, but its not time yet.

soon. i promise...(a little night music, you are about to consume my brain)