i think it may have hit me...

sometimes i wish that i had been born in the 1960s. ohh, the glamour.

i think i realized today how much i want to be an actor. i'm always talking about how much i have to prove to everyone: my parents, everyone and anyone who ever told me i was going to go somewhere, my colleagues, you get the point. the other day i had a few revelations which i feel really clicked this morning in my first day of Acting II: you have nothing to prove to anyone but yourself. stop holding yourself as a comparison and don't over analyze everything. thats it. as an unperfected art form, acting holds those basic rules, and the rest will vary by instructor, institution, class, director, whatever. and i feel that all you really have to do is listen to a person to know how passionate they are about it. you can hear when someone is making claims for the wrong reasons.

i have returned to drake and sit here in my seat at Starbucks feeling the way i did when i first started visiting: excited with a bit of nervousness (which for me is normal...i'm working on it). after a lot of time reflect over break, i somewhere in the inner-sanctions of my mind found my work ethic. truth be told...i knew it was in there somewhere. in the glamour, excitement and general "newness" of my first semester at school, i lost sight of why i was here. skipping memorization, settling for half ass work, all while somehow maintaining a 3.5 GPA (i don't even know how i did it to be honest). i also needed to learn that there is no one way to be perfect at this. you can only learn this, unfortunately, through falling on your face (...maybe literally). of course, meaning that the only way to really learn how to do something is through trial and error and even when you think your at the top of your game, you've got so much more to learn. all of this being said, i have made a pact with myself that i will exert forward as much effort as possible, so when i say that i tried my best...i'll really mean it. i feel that a lot of us (or maybe just me) have lied when saying that over the years. there is so much to be inspired by here, and i eat it up everyday. so much fucking talent, that it makes you sick sometimes. i think the best thing that we can all take away from being here, is that people enter into each others lives to benefit and teach each other. not in the direct or literal meaning of those words, but in the sense that we all bring different experiences to the table, and we can all benefit from learning about them.

another crucial factor i learned through my multitudes of highs and lows last semester, was that time to be emotional is crucial...as well as truly taking time for yourself. i am a person who flourishes off of the energy of others...lately, i find myself easily irritated and needing more personal space. as much as i think that this is growth, i also recognize that it is my insides crying out for some personal time to do the things i so often throw to the wayside for others. some examples: truly analyzing how i feel about things, dealing with MY OWN life, allowing myself to feel a moment, read, write (...this was a long awaited post), complete assignments, i think you get the idea.

more than anything i am excited to continue to grow and really DO what i say i will. so often i feel myself only half heartedly believing when i say that i pushed really hard. i want to leave this semester knowing that i gave everything i did, all that i have in my being. it will be beneficial and i feel that it is crucial to my growth as a performer.

sidebar: loving the FRYES. wearing them sparingly, as not to lose the new shoe love affair. i have decided that i feel like carrie bradshaw...starving for my shoes, scraping whatever money i have to get by ;)

the pact, that i mentioned earlier, is multi-fold:

-yoga, monday wednesdays

-blog, at least once a week

-laugh more

-cry more

-rely more on honesty

-truly take time for myself, regardless of whats going on

-more exclusive "party" life, mainly to conserve funds

-continue to loose weight, by whatever means that don't include starving myself

-drink black coffee (with cream & sugar...attempting to wean....loosing the mocha is a big step)

had my first pike place roast at Starbucks today, with cream and Sugar-In-The-Raw. i feel like a grown up. (ha)

much love kids.