holy shit.

check out this new you tube sensation.

she's phenomenal.

seriously, can't even get over it...

can't get enough:

groups i could just eat right now. what beauties...

this is SO my life. i have a stack about as tall as me of old VOGUES.

...very carrie bradshaw

watched west side story last night. she is a vision and so mysterious.

that final monologue at the close of the movie gets me every time.

don't you wish sometimes that your mornings were as glamorous as hers? greeting guests in your bra with a cigarette. disheveled hair and needing some nutrients...

i know i do. more later, kids.

peace out, doubt.

[she is my life's soundtrack lately. no mood she can't lift or stabilize.]

as of late, i find myself constantly plagued with self imposed doubt in about every facet of my life. and it is only through self analysis, with myself and the people that are closest to me, that i slowly come to terms with what a fucking psychotic person i am.

seriously.

it takes moments and moods like that, to put me in a place where something grandiose and wonderful, like having a Q&A session with Twyla Tharp, snaps me back into focus. this is a woman who has revolutionized dance and musical theater, and yet remains to be one of the most grounded, down to earth and self assured people, i have ever had the pleasure of listening to for an hour. it was so surreal. her passion was absolutely evident in every word that she uttered. and to get to live and breathe what you love every single day of your life was something that she said, 'shouldn't be settled for anything less than'.

although it may take me some time to reconnect with sometimes, that is what i'm doing here. it is an honor and a privilege to get the opportunity to study and go down the path that you want in life. and its a path that not as many people as you think are able to go down. people will often do what they think is practical or what would be acceptable instead of thinking of what they really want. how fortunate, then, are we. the people who know exactly what we want to do with our life and get to pursue it, in some form, every day.

its so interesting how stress and overwork, can blind you to the point of questioning what you have loved longer than anything else. the time is now. time to attack. time to live. time to experiment, experience and fail. its all part of the process. don't let yourself forget. your love is the one thing that keeps you hanging on, even if its only by a thread.

what would audrey do?

[i think its funny how a face can change over time. do these two boys look different?]

i currently find myself in an immense phase of self reflection and as a result of that i have become very self destructive. and frankly, you can see it on me these days: bags under my eyes, the fluctuating weight from my irregular diet pattern, lack of care and consideration in my day to day outfit or general presentation choices. i look back to the time where i took an hour to get ready and futz with my hair, and begin to question whether i like my new phase of comfort and convenience. mind you, i have to consider that in your youth you are filled with much more of a drive, because you know how to conquer the day of a middle or high school routine. college brings on a completely new way of handling life in general, because you typically don't know what each day will bring, even with a schedule. time is also a much more prevalent factor in your life when you are younger. you don't have the work load you do when you're thrown into the adult world.

i bring all of this up, only because i have really began to notice my self destructiveness and how it tends to turn people away. i don't think that this habit was ever something i cultivated for attention or because i wanted to, but rather because i have struggled with my self image from a very young age. it was never something i knew how to get over. and the thing that really upsets me, is that in a time where i will be thinking that i look really unattractive (or what have you, whatever psychotic emotion pattern i have that day/week/month/etc.) i will later look back and be like, "oh, what was i smoking? i looked fine.." this implies to me that something is wrong..

the root of this all may be that im going through a little period of the 'mean reds', which is loneliness and unexplained fear. i don't think this is the first time, because this seems all too familiar...and it can be fleeting, because it doesn't happen everyday.

i may need to start my mornings with that age old addage, "what would audrey do?"

she conquers the mean reds through class, eccentricity, beauty, charm, wit, humor and smarts. and ends up getting her guy in the end.

i think we may be on to something, kids. its time for a new leaf. i'm tired of this.

my guardian.

"We cast away priceless time in dreams, born of imagination, fed upon illusion, and put to death by reality."

-Judy Garland

returned to the land of the living

i always find edie to be a comfort. she channels the exact extravagant lifestyle that i lead my day to day life with...and she does it with style, charm and grace. so beautiful. the eclectic blogger goes full circle as he posts yet another photo of edie. unhealthily obsessed.

"i think its good to get outside of your experiences. i can't stand people who take themselves too seriously." -edie sedgwick

as i re-enter the world of theatrics and academia, i believe myself as i tell my colleagues that i feel like a different person. as prior blog posts will share and anyone who saw me through the progression of the first portion of second semester, it is not far fetched that i felt like i was drowning in this world that i have placed myself into. going home, sleeping, eating and just living proved to be the missing puzzle piece in my life.

i just LIVED this break: slept, ate, shopped, sang, drank, loved, laughed, cried, worried, cleansed, analyzed. and ultimately made myself regain contact with myself and the world, drove, observed. i chopped my hair off. i saw people. i saw theater. it was fantastic.

i return with a regained work ethic and a new found zest for life, that existed prior and i spent many depressive weeks searching for. the stress, of course, will return in the chaos that has become my collegiate life, but i will remind myself of how to channel the energy and apply myself.

i found a song called "If Love Were All" over break. it is a heartbreakingly beautiful song by Noel Coward. he was an openly gay man in the height of his career (20s-30s) and i find this song to be so poignant and something that i will sing throughout the rest of my career. it was a sort of 'love at first hear' revelation. waltzed into my monday lesson with andrew and slapped that song down. "i have it almost memorized," I said. "i want to sing it for you and add it to my repertoire (also..he's now taken to calling me 'dear', which i find completely adorable). he told me that he loved that song, and we proceeded to gush about the song and the new bounds we're making in lessons. needless to say, its in my rep now....but we need to find me 'some upbeat songs, dear'.

anyway, on that note...i look bad and see my bipolar eclectic-ness in its full force, as none of what i have just written strings together. not even a little bit.

just spoke for the first time in my 9:30 for like weeks. see what i'm telling you kiddos. this is growth.

life is beautiful. take each day as it comes. and embrace each day. no more time to be depressed. get out and absorb that vitamin d.